If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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