I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
