Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
