i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
