I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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