I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
