Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
