I just pynch a tree in the face
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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