Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
