That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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