you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
