i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
