We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
