Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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