70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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