I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
