Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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