he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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