last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
