So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I checked into jail on foursquare
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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