The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
