Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
