I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
