God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
