Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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