Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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