is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
