Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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