If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
