the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
