I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
