from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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