If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
