just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
