apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
operation have a gay friend backfired
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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