Pants 0. Shit 1.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
