I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
