I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I stole a fireplace last night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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