you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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