Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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