all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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