ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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