So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
