i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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