Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
