she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My boob is missing a layer of skin
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
