I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
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There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
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I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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