At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
