There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
