Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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