Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
