??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
