I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
