1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
