That's when you crack a 10am beer
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
