wakey wakey hands off snakey
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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