I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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