half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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