Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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