I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
