I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So many bounce houses so little time
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
